I have one girl in my class, Archie. Archie has autism. She's actually my first real experience with autism. Kids may say the darn-dest things, but Archie takes the cake. She will often ask questions that she wants you to ask her so that she can let you know what's happening with her . . .
Last week we were doing some testing when she jumped up from the table:
Miss Lisa: "Archie, what are you doing? Sit down, girl, we're not quite finished here."
Archie: "I have to go to the bafroom!"
Miss Lisa: "Well, alright. On you go then!"
Archie (on her way out the door): "Miss Lisa, is that the poop that's coming out?"
Normally, Miss Lisa would say: "Is it, Archie?" However, on this occasion . . .
Miss Lisa: "It better not be until you are on the toilet, young lady! Go, GO, GO!!!"
And SCENE!!!
Monday, March 30, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
A Safe Place
I recently spoke with a friend whom I had been out of touch with for many years. As we filled one another in on our lives, I was stunned to learn that my friend had suffered horrific events and painful hardships. What really upset me was that these things occurred in a large environment of Christians and my friend could find no sanctuary. I was outraged because the safest place on this earth should be the body of Christ. My first instinct was to say, “If I had known, I would have been there for you.” I knew immediately, however, that was not true. I was so entangled in my own struggles during those years that I don’t know what I’d have done. I have a feeling, though, that I would not have been compassionate or supportive.
I was heartbroken and wept after our conversation. I wept for my precious friend. I wept over the realization that I would have failed them even if we had remained in contact. I wept over the idea that anyone would have to endure such trials alone.
By the grace of God, through renewed, regular Bible study and experiencing the love and example of the saints at the Open, I know better now. I understand more the compassion Christ shows to people. It seems silly to say that. I’ve been a Christian and loved God for most of my life, yet somehow I missed something somewhere. That sounds sillier to me because I was a student of His word. I read the stories. I learned about Jesus and saw how He cared for people. Lonely people, hurting, confused people; people who were broken by sin and despair. So how could I have missed it?
When I started developing this post in my head, it was borne out of anger, frustration—and was intended as a rant against all that is wrong in the church. I had a hard time finding the words, oddly enough. Weeks later I realize that harsh words would not be constructive or right. God has always been faithful about sealing my lips and blocking my pen when I’m angry. The truth is, it doesn’t matter why or how I missed the mark. What matters now is that I don’t miss it anymore. The best way I can facilitate change is to start with myself. Jesus was always a safe place for the lost, hurting, and broken. If I am truly seeking to be like Him, then I must be the same. Whether that means showing compassion to someone who’s never known Jesus or seeking out my brothers and sisters, too ashamed and broken by sin, who feel they can never come home. Lord God, please help me be like Jesus . . . help me be a safe place.
I was heartbroken and wept after our conversation. I wept for my precious friend. I wept over the realization that I would have failed them even if we had remained in contact. I wept over the idea that anyone would have to endure such trials alone.
By the grace of God, through renewed, regular Bible study and experiencing the love and example of the saints at the Open, I know better now. I understand more the compassion Christ shows to people. It seems silly to say that. I’ve been a Christian and loved God for most of my life, yet somehow I missed something somewhere. That sounds sillier to me because I was a student of His word. I read the stories. I learned about Jesus and saw how He cared for people. Lonely people, hurting, confused people; people who were broken by sin and despair. So how could I have missed it?
When I started developing this post in my head, it was borne out of anger, frustration—and was intended as a rant against all that is wrong in the church. I had a hard time finding the words, oddly enough. Weeks later I realize that harsh words would not be constructive or right. God has always been faithful about sealing my lips and blocking my pen when I’m angry. The truth is, it doesn’t matter why or how I missed the mark. What matters now is that I don’t miss it anymore. The best way I can facilitate change is to start with myself. Jesus was always a safe place for the lost, hurting, and broken. If I am truly seeking to be like Him, then I must be the same. Whether that means showing compassion to someone who’s never known Jesus or seeking out my brothers and sisters, too ashamed and broken by sin, who feel they can never come home. Lord God, please help me be like Jesus . . . help me be a safe place.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
A Lesson in Faith
I was out of town week before last. I had gone to Ft. Worth to help make preparations for my brother's wedding. While I was gone, I took my Bible with me (always take it when I travel anywhere) to keep up with my study of Esther. I only managed to do it one day the entire time that I was gone. In a general context, it's not a big deal. I don't believe the Father is waiting to whip me for not reading my Bible everyday. Specifically, however, it is a big deal. For a mind like mine--with a history of dark and depressive thoughts; prone to over-thinking, self-degradation, and overindulgence of imagination--it is even critical. I noticed the difference almost immediately. Apathy, fear, irritation, and the irrational were pressing hard to find a way in. So on Wednesday of this past week, I was determined not to go to bed until I had spent time in the Word and real time in prayer. For me, it makes a difference.
On Facebook, one of my friends had noted, "Faith is not a noun, but a verb." As I pondered the effects my lack of study produces along with these words, I had this epiphany: Faith takes work. I suppose that's a no-brainer for some and I actually felt silly when the thought first hit me. I know that's the truth and, perhaps, have always known it, so why the light bulb moment? I suppose because I experienced how quickly my attitude shifted in such a short time. I went to church while I was gone, was surrounded by godly people, and I continued to pray each day, but it wasn't enough. To keep my mind healthy and stable, to maintain my relationship with Christ, to be the servant I need to be, I need to be in God's word.
Faith takes work just like a relationship or producing something good takes work. It has taken me nearly two years to even begin to understand God's grace and how it works in my life. I still don't get it, except that I know it has nothing to do with me. However, the work it takes to increase and strengthen my faith is nothing in comparison to the work Christ did to provide me that grace. Here is what I have learned (so far) on a long journey of faith:
"Faith comes by hearing, and hearing the word of God." Romans 10:17 NIV
Read the Bible, be in His word. That's where we learn about God's love for us and how He worked to rescue us from sin and condemnation. The more I read it, the more secure I am about my salvation and the more in tune I am with His presence in my life.
"Faith without works is dead." James 2:26b NAS
Or "faith is not a noun, but a verb". As we increase our faith by being in the Word, we in turn put our faith to work by applying what we learn: tell people about Jesus (Mark 16:15), look after orphans and widows (James 1:27), help the weak (Acts 20:35), bind up the brokenhearted (Isaiah 61:1) . . . in short, be like Jesus "It is enough for the disciple that he become as his teacher, and the slave as his master." Matthew 10:25 NAS
Feelings are not an indicator of faith. If you are having a hard day, if your spirit is in turmoil, if you are struggling with anger or worry and anxiety, it doesn’t mean that somehow you don’t have enough faith. If you want to find someone who can relate, go read the Psalms of David, the man after God’s own heart—such a man must be full of faith, right? It’s not about how you are feeling, but about what you do on those days or in those moments. Lifting your voice in prayer is an act of faith. Reading His word is an act of faith. Running from opportunities to sin is an act of faith.
Faith takes work. I have discovered for myself that staying in His word is the best way for me to increase and strengthen my faith. It enables me to grow in wisdom, be more compassionate, trust Him wholeheartedly, pray more, and truly walk by faith.
On Facebook, one of my friends had noted, "Faith is not a noun, but a verb." As I pondered the effects my lack of study produces along with these words, I had this epiphany: Faith takes work. I suppose that's a no-brainer for some and I actually felt silly when the thought first hit me. I know that's the truth and, perhaps, have always known it, so why the light bulb moment? I suppose because I experienced how quickly my attitude shifted in such a short time. I went to church while I was gone, was surrounded by godly people, and I continued to pray each day, but it wasn't enough. To keep my mind healthy and stable, to maintain my relationship with Christ, to be the servant I need to be, I need to be in God's word.
Faith takes work just like a relationship or producing something good takes work. It has taken me nearly two years to even begin to understand God's grace and how it works in my life. I still don't get it, except that I know it has nothing to do with me. However, the work it takes to increase and strengthen my faith is nothing in comparison to the work Christ did to provide me that grace. Here is what I have learned (so far) on a long journey of faith:
"Faith comes by hearing, and hearing the word of God." Romans 10:17 NIV
Read the Bible, be in His word. That's where we learn about God's love for us and how He worked to rescue us from sin and condemnation. The more I read it, the more secure I am about my salvation and the more in tune I am with His presence in my life.
"Faith without works is dead." James 2:26b NAS
Or "faith is not a noun, but a verb". As we increase our faith by being in the Word, we in turn put our faith to work by applying what we learn: tell people about Jesus (Mark 16:15), look after orphans and widows (James 1:27), help the weak (Acts 20:35), bind up the brokenhearted (Isaiah 61:1) . . . in short, be like Jesus "It is enough for the disciple that he become as his teacher, and the slave as his master." Matthew 10:25 NAS
Feelings are not an indicator of faith. If you are having a hard day, if your spirit is in turmoil, if you are struggling with anger or worry and anxiety, it doesn’t mean that somehow you don’t have enough faith. If you want to find someone who can relate, go read the Psalms of David, the man after God’s own heart—such a man must be full of faith, right? It’s not about how you are feeling, but about what you do on those days or in those moments. Lifting your voice in prayer is an act of faith. Reading His word is an act of faith. Running from opportunities to sin is an act of faith.
Faith takes work. I have discovered for myself that staying in His word is the best way for me to increase and strengthen my faith. It enables me to grow in wisdom, be more compassionate, trust Him wholeheartedly, pray more, and truly walk by faith.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
A Good Man is Hard to Find
I had a bit of an “off” day at school today. I was off, the kids were off, the computers were off (too much traffic trying to watch the Inauguration), everything was OFF. The thing that threw me further off than I was when I arrived was my boy sunshine, Sonny. He was WAY off. He hadn’t done his homework because he didn’t have time because of his game—his video game, to clarify. I was left with the unsavory task of following through on consequences that he was well aware of in advance. He shut down, flopped down, and what should have been a fairly easy remedy involving the principal’s intervention ended with three of us—myself, the principal, & the campus policeman—carrying him to the principal’s office. Once there, he refused to budge from his spot on the floor, which was fine since his was no longer a disruption in the hallway. I felt compelled to put in a call to the one person I knew could reach Sonny even in shutdown mode and get him to comply: Mr. Jones.
Mr. Jones is an amazing, soft-spoken man who was the counselor on our campus last year and really helped out with Sonny and got to him in a way no one else could. I don’t know what it is in Mr. Jones that Sonny responds to, but something about the man makes Sonny want to obey him. Personally, I believe it’s the Holy Spirit. I know Mr. Jones to be a godly man of faith. He is good, kind, and yet no-nonsense. When I saw him approaching the building in his crimson shirt and khaki slacks, he may as well have been on a great white horse, armor blazing in the morning sun. I knew everything was going to be OK because of his connection with Sonny. And it was.
He spoke to Sonny about his strengths. How tough he is when he is faced with obstacles and how he conquers them, something that is true about Sonny on a selective basis. Mr. Jones told Sonny how he knew he was a good, strong boy who didn’t need to flop in the floor because he is tough and can take responsibility. Sonny does not generally take responsibility for himself, but he will more often in the future because Mr. Jones put it in his head. Oh that every man in his life could be like Mr. Jones!
One of the great frustrations in my job is the lack of solid, positive male role models in the lives of my children. Some because they don’t have fathers; some because the fathers they have are poor examples. I was so thankful for Mr. Jones last year, and John and Mr. Noles. They were daily examples of strong, positive men and they are missed. How I long to see more men of such caliber! I want to encourage men to be a “Mr. Jones” to children within the sphere of their influence. You guys just don’t know how valuable and vitally important you are! Somewhere, there are little eyes watching you, seeking to know how a man should be . . . so be men:
who “find favor in the eyes of the Lord” Genesis 8:8
“whom the Lord knows face to face” Deuteronomy 34:10
“after His own heart” 1 Samuel 13:14
whose “good understanding produces favor” Proverbs 13:15
Whose “gentle answer turns away wrath” Proverbs 15:1
Who “love at all times” Proverbs 17:17
Who “are the light of the world” Matthew 5:14
Who “walk by faith” 2 Corinthians 5:7
“Of whom the world is not worthy” Hebrews 11:38
Mr. Jones is an amazing, soft-spoken man who was the counselor on our campus last year and really helped out with Sonny and got to him in a way no one else could. I don’t know what it is in Mr. Jones that Sonny responds to, but something about the man makes Sonny want to obey him. Personally, I believe it’s the Holy Spirit. I know Mr. Jones to be a godly man of faith. He is good, kind, and yet no-nonsense. When I saw him approaching the building in his crimson shirt and khaki slacks, he may as well have been on a great white horse, armor blazing in the morning sun. I knew everything was going to be OK because of his connection with Sonny. And it was.
He spoke to Sonny about his strengths. How tough he is when he is faced with obstacles and how he conquers them, something that is true about Sonny on a selective basis. Mr. Jones told Sonny how he knew he was a good, strong boy who didn’t need to flop in the floor because he is tough and can take responsibility. Sonny does not generally take responsibility for himself, but he will more often in the future because Mr. Jones put it in his head. Oh that every man in his life could be like Mr. Jones!
One of the great frustrations in my job is the lack of solid, positive male role models in the lives of my children. Some because they don’t have fathers; some because the fathers they have are poor examples. I was so thankful for Mr. Jones last year, and John and Mr. Noles. They were daily examples of strong, positive men and they are missed. How I long to see more men of such caliber! I want to encourage men to be a “Mr. Jones” to children within the sphere of their influence. You guys just don’t know how valuable and vitally important you are! Somewhere, there are little eyes watching you, seeking to know how a man should be . . . so be men:
who “find favor in the eyes of the Lord” Genesis 8:8
“whom the Lord knows face to face” Deuteronomy 34:10
“after His own heart” 1 Samuel 13:14
whose “good understanding produces favor” Proverbs 13:15
Whose “gentle answer turns away wrath” Proverbs 15:1
Who “love at all times” Proverbs 17:17
Who “are the light of the world” Matthew 5:14
Who “walk by faith” 2 Corinthians 5:7
“Of whom the world is not worthy” Hebrews 11:38
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Sitting in Seats & Talking & Other Things Happening in Cars
I love road trips. Taking a road trip is one of my most favorite things. My favorite road-trippin’ buddies are my best friend and our dogs. We’ve yet to all be in a car together, but I’ve taken a trip with both dogs and it was quite fun. I love taking trips with Sophie. For the most part she loves being in the car. She likes to keep her paw on my wrist as I shift gears and she doesn’t throw up much.
There are some great tunes abounding for the seasoned road-tripper. When Jenny and I go, we’re total Shania Twain freaks. Neither one of us really listen to her unless we’re stuck in a car together. For Sarah and I, there’s a lot of Van Halen, Lyle Lovett, Cake, Shawn Colvin, etc. At least once, “Under Pressure” by Queen with David Bowie will be played. Sarah’s David Bowie and I’m Freddie Mercury. I can even hit that really high note just before the bridge. It’s not pretty and I really shouldn’t, but I can.
I love the conversations that arise in the course of the road trip. Some can be raucously funny and some can be preciously poignant. You can learn a lot about a person when you are confined to a small space together for several days and several hundred miles, especially at night. I don’t know what it is about being in a car in the vast darkness of lonely roads, but the walls come down. People say things, share things that they can’t put into words in the daylight—unless of course we are talking about my mother, and then this concept does not apply. If you know anything about my mom, you understand. It’s all psychological really. Night brings with it a veil of sorts that allows all others to fall away.
Here lately, I’ve come to really treasure the journeys I take alone. The longest trip I’ve ever done by myself was Lubbock to Arizona to visit the parents of a friend. I got to cross New Mexico and see parts of it I’ve never seen before. I drove through the Plains of San Agustin where the Very Large Array (VLA) is located. The VLA is that long line of radio antennae that stretch across the plain and was briefly featured in the film “Contact” with Jodie Foster. It was a pretty cool spectacle and very odd topographically speaking. Something about the lay of that land messes with your visual/sensory perception. Even though I was driving at a high rate of speed, I felt like I wasn’t moving at all. Trust me, I was going fast.
I like to sing in the car and have my tunes along, usually Sister Hazel. I’ve compiled a CD with all my favorite Christian music that I really love. The great thing about driving by yourself is that you can sing as loud as you want and no one is going to be offended. I usually try to sing all the parts at the same time in any given harmony. It’s humanly impossible, but I try. Even more than that, I love to turn off the radio and sing all the devotional songs I know. Again, since I’m by myself, no one has to get hurt. And anyway Psalm 100:1 says, “Make a joyful noise to the Lord . . .” It didn’t say anything about it being pretty.
The thing I like best about traveling alone is the time it affords me to pray, really pray. I can talk to God about all the things I mean to day in and day out, but often forget for procrastinating. I can pray for each person on my mind and speak to Him in earnest on their behalf. I can bring to Him the things pressing on my own heart, nothing withheld, as much as I need. I’m less likely to fall asleep while driving, which is easy to do in bed. I’ve found myself dozing off even when I’m on my knees and the sun’s still shining. It’s just me and Him in the car, though. And I can take the time to praise Him and thank Him for all He has done for me.
What are your favorite happenings, etc., in a car on a journey down a long and winding road?
There are some great tunes abounding for the seasoned road-tripper. When Jenny and I go, we’re total Shania Twain freaks. Neither one of us really listen to her unless we’re stuck in a car together. For Sarah and I, there’s a lot of Van Halen, Lyle Lovett, Cake, Shawn Colvin, etc. At least once, “Under Pressure” by Queen with David Bowie will be played. Sarah’s David Bowie and I’m Freddie Mercury. I can even hit that really high note just before the bridge. It’s not pretty and I really shouldn’t, but I can.
I love the conversations that arise in the course of the road trip. Some can be raucously funny and some can be preciously poignant. You can learn a lot about a person when you are confined to a small space together for several days and several hundred miles, especially at night. I don’t know what it is about being in a car in the vast darkness of lonely roads, but the walls come down. People say things, share things that they can’t put into words in the daylight—unless of course we are talking about my mother, and then this concept does not apply. If you know anything about my mom, you understand. It’s all psychological really. Night brings with it a veil of sorts that allows all others to fall away.
Here lately, I’ve come to really treasure the journeys I take alone. The longest trip I’ve ever done by myself was Lubbock to Arizona to visit the parents of a friend. I got to cross New Mexico and see parts of it I’ve never seen before. I drove through the Plains of San Agustin where the Very Large Array (VLA) is located. The VLA is that long line of radio antennae that stretch across the plain and was briefly featured in the film “Contact” with Jodie Foster. It was a pretty cool spectacle and very odd topographically speaking. Something about the lay of that land messes with your visual/sensory perception. Even though I was driving at a high rate of speed, I felt like I wasn’t moving at all. Trust me, I was going fast.
I like to sing in the car and have my tunes along, usually Sister Hazel. I’ve compiled a CD with all my favorite Christian music that I really love. The great thing about driving by yourself is that you can sing as loud as you want and no one is going to be offended. I usually try to sing all the parts at the same time in any given harmony. It’s humanly impossible, but I try. Even more than that, I love to turn off the radio and sing all the devotional songs I know. Again, since I’m by myself, no one has to get hurt. And anyway Psalm 100:1 says, “Make a joyful noise to the Lord . . .” It didn’t say anything about it being pretty.
The thing I like best about traveling alone is the time it affords me to pray, really pray. I can talk to God about all the things I mean to day in and day out, but often forget for procrastinating. I can pray for each person on my mind and speak to Him in earnest on their behalf. I can bring to Him the things pressing on my own heart, nothing withheld, as much as I need. I’m less likely to fall asleep while driving, which is easy to do in bed. I’ve found myself dozing off even when I’m on my knees and the sun’s still shining. It’s just me and Him in the car, though. And I can take the time to praise Him and thank Him for all He has done for me.
What are your favorite happenings, etc., in a car on a journey down a long and winding road?
Friday, December 19, 2008
Tagged by Paige
1. Post rules on your blog.
2. Answer the six “4″ items.
3. Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving them a comment.
4 Things I Did Yesterday: Went to work, packed up part of the kitchen, had dinner with Jeff & Amy +3, spent first night back in my house
4 Things I Look Forward to: Ladies Bible Class, the Open, unconsciousness, heaven
4 Things On My Wish List: Books, ipod dock, unconsciousness, personal vegetable cutter
4 Restaurants I like: Carino's, Glazed Honey Ham, Taco Bell (YES, I like Taco Bell!!!), The Burger House
4 Favorite TV Shows: Scrubs, 24, Arrested Development, The Secret Life of the American Teenager
4 People I Tag (You’re it): Susan, Tim, um . . . . ????
2. Answer the six “4″ items.
3. Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving them a comment.
4 Things I Did Yesterday: Went to work, packed up part of the kitchen, had dinner with Jeff & Amy +3, spent first night back in my house
4 Things I Look Forward to: Ladies Bible Class, the Open, unconsciousness, heaven
4 Things On My Wish List: Books, ipod dock, unconsciousness, personal vegetable cutter
4 Restaurants I like: Carino's, Glazed Honey Ham, Taco Bell (YES, I like Taco Bell!!!), The Burger House
4 Favorite TV Shows: Scrubs, 24, Arrested Development, The Secret Life of the American Teenager
4 People I Tag (You’re it): Susan, Tim, um . . . . ????
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Grace Sufficient & New Resolve
(This is post is quite long. Consider yourself warned.)
I have been contemplating the apostle Paul a lot lately. This contemplation was prompted by some frustrations about things I’m experiencing in my life right now and an ongoing discussion with a friend whose wisdom is greater than my own. I have a thorn in my flesh, a plague on my spirit, so who better could understand such things than Paul? My thorn is clinical depression. It is something I have struggled with for most of my life. I don’t know that this is the place to elaborate on how much I wrestle with it, but I will say that it is a hard road to walk as it affects mood, physical well-being, perception, and relationships.
At the beginning of 2008, some very special friends and I decided to ask God for one thing that we wanted for ourselves, one thing that He would do in our lives this year. My request was to be completely healed of this wretched affliction. I was tired. Tired of what it does to me, tired of it affecting all aspects of my life. If anyone can make me well, it is the One who made me. So I began to pray every single day that God remove this thorn from me. For a while there in early Spring, I thought that He was granting my request. I was feeling so good and not having bad nights anymore . . . it was wonderful while it lasted and now we are at the final few weeks of 2008. I’ve felt pretty low and have had a lot more bad nights since the Spring, the most recent being two nights ago.
What is God doing with me? I wondered. Why am I not healed? Am I not praying right? How could He possibly want me to live this way? Couldn’t I do more for Him, be more for Him if I were healthy in spirit? These and thoughts in this vein have been tormenting me for weeks now. I realize that the year is not over yet and that God could do something really amazing in the days that are left. It was these thoughts that prompted the dialogue with my much wiser friend in Christ, who reminded me of Paul’s struggle in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10. Paul says his thorn was a “messenger of Satan”—reminiscent of Job, perhaps?—that kept him from becoming arrogant. “Concerning this I entreated the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you . . .’” 2 Cor. 12:8 & 9 (NAS) Did this comfort Paul or make it easier to deal with his affliction? Or was it just truth that Paul had to hold onto when he wanted to give up or give in? These were questions that my friend put to me as he tried to help me make sense of my own struggle. 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 seems to indicate it made it easier for Paul, but we only really know what the Word tells us. Personally, I think he must have clung to those words at times when there was nothing else to be done.
What I envy in Paul’s situation, is that God spoke to him directly . . . ”My grace is sufficient . . .” Except for the notion of actually being spoken to by God likely scaring me to literal death, I feel I could endure anything if He’d just say to me, ”My daughter, this is the way it has to be.” God said it. That settles it, right? As it is, I have found that I have an easier time of it if I just live as though He’s said so.
I had an epiphany in Bible class today. We were studying Luke 9:51-62 and how Jesus “resolutely set His face to go to Jerusalem” knowing full well what awaited Him there: betrayal, torture, a trial, and death. He was going to do what He was sent by the Father to do. Not only that, He was resolved to do it. “Unwavering adherence to one’s purpose” was one definition I found for resolve. It fit nicely with the lesson today because Jesus didn’t let anything deter this final journey to Jerusalem. Not the unwelcoming Samaritans, not the fact that He had no place to lay His head, not His family, not His simpler past before He began His ministry, and not the horrors He knew He would face at the end of the road. His purpose was to put an end to the enslaving power of sin once and for all, to die for His creation—you and me. The point? That if He could do all of that for us, should there be any concerns about what it will cost us to follow Him?
That’s when all these thoughts muddling around in my head went “click” into place. I was able to see, really see, how God’s grace has been sufficient for me, how it would always be. My friend had suggested that I adjust my prayers for healing to say, “God, take this cup from me, but if You choose not to, use it to Your glory.” I know that He has used it because of Barb, a Canadian woman I met through an online support group, who put on Christ this past summer. I never would have met Barb if not for this thorn. There are a lot of things in my life that would be completely different were it not for my struggle with depression. I would perhaps have had a lot less heartache, but I finally realize that I would be missing so much more. I don’t know that I would have ever come to the Open. I don’t know that I would have taken the road that led me to be a school teacher. I don’t know that my relationship with God would be what it is today. I don’t know that I would be so utterly certain of my own salvation, if not for this thorn. What I do know is that I can't imagine my life without these things and I would not trade them.
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (NIV) I found my healing today. Not in actual terms, rather in my understanding. And I have found a new resolve: If Jesus can go through what He went through for my sake on the cross, I can live with depression for His sake and follow Him. My prayer is that He will in every circumstance be glorified through it. I will not be deterred by what others—family & friends—say or do. I will not waver because of inconvenience, discomfort, fear, or pain. I will not look back. I am resolved.
I have been contemplating the apostle Paul a lot lately. This contemplation was prompted by some frustrations about things I’m experiencing in my life right now and an ongoing discussion with a friend whose wisdom is greater than my own. I have a thorn in my flesh, a plague on my spirit, so who better could understand such things than Paul? My thorn is clinical depression. It is something I have struggled with for most of my life. I don’t know that this is the place to elaborate on how much I wrestle with it, but I will say that it is a hard road to walk as it affects mood, physical well-being, perception, and relationships.
At the beginning of 2008, some very special friends and I decided to ask God for one thing that we wanted for ourselves, one thing that He would do in our lives this year. My request was to be completely healed of this wretched affliction. I was tired. Tired of what it does to me, tired of it affecting all aspects of my life. If anyone can make me well, it is the One who made me. So I began to pray every single day that God remove this thorn from me. For a while there in early Spring, I thought that He was granting my request. I was feeling so good and not having bad nights anymore . . . it was wonderful while it lasted and now we are at the final few weeks of 2008. I’ve felt pretty low and have had a lot more bad nights since the Spring, the most recent being two nights ago.
What is God doing with me? I wondered. Why am I not healed? Am I not praying right? How could He possibly want me to live this way? Couldn’t I do more for Him, be more for Him if I were healthy in spirit? These and thoughts in this vein have been tormenting me for weeks now. I realize that the year is not over yet and that God could do something really amazing in the days that are left. It was these thoughts that prompted the dialogue with my much wiser friend in Christ, who reminded me of Paul’s struggle in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10. Paul says his thorn was a “messenger of Satan”—reminiscent of Job, perhaps?—that kept him from becoming arrogant. “Concerning this I entreated the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you . . .’” 2 Cor. 12:8 & 9 (NAS) Did this comfort Paul or make it easier to deal with his affliction? Or was it just truth that Paul had to hold onto when he wanted to give up or give in? These were questions that my friend put to me as he tried to help me make sense of my own struggle. 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 seems to indicate it made it easier for Paul, but we only really know what the Word tells us. Personally, I think he must have clung to those words at times when there was nothing else to be done.
What I envy in Paul’s situation, is that God spoke to him directly . . . ”My grace is sufficient . . .” Except for the notion of actually being spoken to by God likely scaring me to literal death, I feel I could endure anything if He’d just say to me, ”My daughter, this is the way it has to be.” God said it. That settles it, right? As it is, I have found that I have an easier time of it if I just live as though He’s said so.
I had an epiphany in Bible class today. We were studying Luke 9:51-62 and how Jesus “resolutely set His face to go to Jerusalem” knowing full well what awaited Him there: betrayal, torture, a trial, and death. He was going to do what He was sent by the Father to do. Not only that, He was resolved to do it. “Unwavering adherence to one’s purpose” was one definition I found for resolve. It fit nicely with the lesson today because Jesus didn’t let anything deter this final journey to Jerusalem. Not the unwelcoming Samaritans, not the fact that He had no place to lay His head, not His family, not His simpler past before He began His ministry, and not the horrors He knew He would face at the end of the road. His purpose was to put an end to the enslaving power of sin once and for all, to die for His creation—you and me. The point? That if He could do all of that for us, should there be any concerns about what it will cost us to follow Him?
That’s when all these thoughts muddling around in my head went “click” into place. I was able to see, really see, how God’s grace has been sufficient for me, how it would always be. My friend had suggested that I adjust my prayers for healing to say, “God, take this cup from me, but if You choose not to, use it to Your glory.” I know that He has used it because of Barb, a Canadian woman I met through an online support group, who put on Christ this past summer. I never would have met Barb if not for this thorn. There are a lot of things in my life that would be completely different were it not for my struggle with depression. I would perhaps have had a lot less heartache, but I finally realize that I would be missing so much more. I don’t know that I would have ever come to the Open. I don’t know that I would have taken the road that led me to be a school teacher. I don’t know that my relationship with God would be what it is today. I don’t know that I would be so utterly certain of my own salvation, if not for this thorn. What I do know is that I can't imagine my life without these things and I would not trade them.
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (NIV) I found my healing today. Not in actual terms, rather in my understanding. And I have found a new resolve: If Jesus can go through what He went through for my sake on the cross, I can live with depression for His sake and follow Him. My prayer is that He will in every circumstance be glorified through it. I will not be deterred by what others—family & friends—say or do. I will not waver because of inconvenience, discomfort, fear, or pain. I will not look back. I am resolved.
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