After a 17-year hiatus, I have finally returned to camp . . . as a –gulp- counselor. It’s what I always dreamed of being as a camper. However, I didn’t dream of being one quite so old. I know that I’m not old. I don’t feel older than my co-counselors, not on the inside anyway. As it goes with my 90-to-nothing brain, I had a lot of anxiety about coming up here and being so much older than my, er, peers. The greatest anxiety being how I’d be perceived and received: “What’s the creepy old lady doing up here?” My fellow counselors have been AMAZING. So kind, so gracious, accepting and welcoming. I find myself among kindred spirits for certain and I did not expect that. God is good.
That said, being among those so young has brought other things to the surface. Questions, mostly. Questions I thought I’d put to rest. I am at a place in my life where I don’t have a lot of nagging regret about the past. I can look back and know that I did the best I could, given all variables. And because I know that God causes all things to work together for good, and because I am old enough to see what He has done with my wrongs, I am thankful for the path I’ve walked however bumpy it has been.
But . . .
Watching my new young friends just at the beginning of their lives has made me long for my younger youth once more. To be back at the beginning armed with the knowledge I have now (and by “knowledge” I mean what I know about myself). I know I would have made some different choices, but would I have been happier? Would my journey have been smoother? Where would I be at this particular moment in time? Would depression have taken the hold that it did? Would I be sitting in front of my computer asking these same questions from a different perspective? That has been the only true hard part about being here. Just when I think I’m past my tendencies of hyper-sentimentality and juvenile foolishness, they both sneak up and bite me on the butt.
It doesn’t really matter and I don’t spend time looking back anymore. My journey to this point was what it was. Kind of like this post, it is the musings of a momentarily wistful heart that remembers what life was like before it learned the lessons that only experience can teach. I chose my road, but God brought and continues to bring me where he wants me—thankfully, in spite of me.
7 comments:
So grateful to God for the part of your journey that brought us together! Your view of life and the way you find laughter in so many moments makes me smile long after you've gone! What a blessing your experiences are to those fellow campers!
The Lord has used you to bless others through your experiences....even the ones you see as mistakes or failings. You are a strong woman of faith, and God has used all of these things to make you who you are....someone we love and adore! Glad you are sharing your light and letting it shine so brightly. You are a true reflection of the Son!
Love you much!
It sounds like the decision to be a counselor has been a good one. I hope it finishes strong.
I agree with Sarah ... what you see as mistakes can really be seen as opportunities. Opportunities to help others avoid the same path ... or find comfort while trudging it with you.
I tend to believe that no matter what choices we make there will always be questions. I can't imagine anyone sitting around thinking, "Wow, here I sit in my late 30's and I believe I've made all the right decisions so far."
I don't know what decision it took to get you to the place you are now ... sitting to the left of me at LBC ... and in the 2nd chair on the front row on Wednesday, but that's the decision I've been blessed by lately. So keep it up ... never quit making those decisions. Good, bad, or indifferent God will create success with them one way or another.
I love all 3 of you beyond measure or words. Thank you for your kind thoughts!!!
Funny thing ... I was driving home from class a few minutes ago and I thought, "Duh, Lisa sits to my right." You knew what I meant. :)
Ok. Blogger doesn't like me and keeps deleting my post. I am going to try once again:
It is an odd mixture of doubt and relief when one starts looking back at choices of the past. In my case, it is mostly relief that God does indeed work all things (even completely selfish, ridiculously stupid choices) together for good! Thank you Father!
I didn't know you in your "younger youth" but I love the you that you are now. So I am thankful for the choices that put you on the path that God intersected with mine. I am constantly blessed by knowing you. Love you!
We're forgiven, we're new creations, the past is dead. No regrets!
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