All That You Can't Leave Behind

“When I was a younger, my teen years, I used to think 35 was the epitome of adulthood. It was a magic number, a magic age when I would assume the role of a true adult and have all wisdom and knowledge about what to do in any and all situations. I would be confident, fearless even. I turned 35 a few months ago and I have to say, I don’t know jack and I’m scared often. A lot of things are happening in my life that I don’t think I should be facing yet.”

That was how I had initially intended to start this post nearly a year ago. Now, as 36 is days away, what follows that paragraph has altered somewhat along with my perspective. One of my favorite songs is Walk On by U2, particularly the opening stanza: “Love is not the easy thing. The only baggage that you can bring is all that you can’t leave behind.” Letting go is something I’ve wrestled with all my life. I don’t do it well, if I do it at all. In fact, “all that you can’t leave behind” pretty much sums up my 20’s. I held on to everything: the past, every heartache, every wound, everything I loved and everything that I could not change, take back, or return to. I wanted my experiences to be more like the universal experiences: first dates, first kisses, first loves, AIM, college, marriage and kids somewhere in the mix, so that by now I’d be more prepared to deal with my parents aging. By now I’d be established and really good at being a grown-up. However, my experiences are quite unique to me. There were some first dates and first loves, AIM and college, and there was a lot of drifting.

The fact is I don’t feel grown-up. At all. I feel very much like a child. A child stuck in an adult’s body hoping no one notices that I don’t belong among the grown-ups. I still long for things, which I always believed would stop around this age because I would have everything I ever longed for. When I started this post a year ago, Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 13:11 were tumbling around in my head: “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man (adult), I put the ways of childhood behind me.” I know what that verse means, but I still really struggle with my childish ways. I still want to call my Daddy when things need fixing or when I’ve not been wise with my funds. As much as I love teaching, I prefer being the student. I want my parents to not be so well into their senior citizenship.

I’ve learned a lot this past year about what it means to be a grown-up, though. Probably the biggest thing I have learned is that no matter what age anyone is, he or she never feels prepared enough or wise enough for where they are in life. Being a grown-up isn’t about having all the answers all the time. It’s about getting out of bed and facing the people you’re in conflict with when you’d rather not see them again. It’s about acknowledging the things that need to change in you when you find you’re in the wrong, and then working on those changes. It’s about accepting that some relationships change and you have to let them go, or at least let them be and trust that the love is still there and always will be. It’s about being frightened by the inevitable, but facing it because One greater has come and taken the real fear out of the equation. It’s about letting go of all that you can’t leave behind, straining for what lies ahead, and knowing that even if you don’t get the things you most long for His way is best. It’s about knowing He will never leave or forsake you. (Joshua 1:5)

I don’t believe Paul was saying we should never act like children. Christ said in Matthew 18:3-4 that we should become like children before Him. God wants our faith to be like that of children—pure and wholehearted. I believe Paul was talking about letting the grown-up prevail when it comes to the response to the hardships that come into our lives, knowing that a childlike faith the Father would see us through. As I enter this next year in my life, I don’t feel the anxiety I felt this time last year. I know there will be challenges, mistakes, disappointment, and I will handle each one as it comes by His grace. I will love the ones He’s blessed me with, even when it is not the easy thing. And when I look back, it will be to acknowledge what was and be thankful for what is.